Essay Assignment
by dyslexic-Carmie
Summary: Mr. Kirkland assigns his class to write an essay about finding comfort in a friend. Only problem is Alfred claims that he has too many friends to find comfort in just one. The other friends could get jealous and he has over four hundred Facebook friends. That's a lot of people to go after you in an angry mob. Maybe a few stupid actions and the school janitor can change that.
1. The Essay Is Assigned

No matter how many times he read his English assignment, he couldn't think of anything worth writing about. You can't write about an experience you haven't experienced. He sighed and raised his hand, the universal sign for "I have a question teacher please answer it".

"Arthur-"

His teacher glared and cut him off. "Mr. Kirkland."

"Uh... yeah... right... Mr. Kirkland," he said before being officially called on by his teacher. "I don't think that I can-"

"Don't speak unless called on, Alfred," his teacher said cutting him off. "I haven't given you permission to speak-"

"My bad," Alfred apologized cutting Mr. Kirkland off.

His teacher rolled his eyes. "Whatever, now Alfred do you have a question?"

He smiled and lowered his arm. "As a matter of fact, Mr. Kirkland, I do have a question! I find our class essay stupid-"

"You're grade in this class-"

"Let me finish, Mr. Kirkland," Alfred said before Mr. Kirkland could lecture him about his grade. "I find our class essay stupid, because I have yet to experience the experience you want me to write about. And the rule of writing is to write about what you know."

His teacher frowned. "You never found comfort in a friend before?"

"No sir," he stated, "and by the laws of writing I am unable to-"

"If you understood the rudiments of writing, then your grade in this class would reflect that," Mr. Kirkland said cutting Alfred off annoyed. "I have offered tutorials, extra credit projects, and test corrections. And yet you refuse to take advantage of any of these opportunities to improve your grade-"

"Tutorials are during baseball practice, extra credit projects are stupid and a waste of time, and nobody wants to do test corrections. If you wanted me to do well in your class, then you really should just teach it better-"

"I teach my class just fine," his teacher spat cutting him off. "You are my first student to make a-"

"Hey, you're not supposed to tell everybody my grade," Alfred said cutting him off. "School policy states that grades are supposed to be kept secret-"

"Its not like we don't know your grade," a girl sitting next to Alfred spat.

"You may be a smoking ten, but nobody likes you, Natalia. You got a stick shoved way up your-"

"Hey, that's not very nice. I think Natalia is-"

"Shut up, Toris! I don't care if you try to stand up for me; I'm still never going to go out with you. And nobody likes you either!" Natalia said cutting Toris off.

"Yeah, 'cause you got this fetish for creepy janitors-"

"Ivan is not a creepy janitor!"

"You know his first name?"

"Why is it a bad thing if Natalia knows his first name?"

"Toris, Natalia, please be quiet and let me speak to Alfred," Mr. Kirkland said trying to return as much order to an unorganized class possible.

He laughed. "Ha! School policy states that you two lovebirds have to shut up, because-"

"School policy also states that you have to be passing all classes to compete in athletic activities," Mr. Kirkland stated as Toris blushed, and Natalia darkened. "But school policy had to find a loophole for its star pitcher-"

"Dude, have you seen my curveball?" he asked cutting his teacher off. "Its like one of the twelfth wonders of the world. Without me this school won't even make it out of district. This school lives off of my awesome baseball skills. Its like my skills are the blood and body of this school, and everything else is just useless organs like toenails-"

Mr. Kirkland cut Alfred off. "Oh dear goodness, I pray for the sanity of your biology teacher."

"That's Mr. Bonnefoy-"

"Whatever," Mr. Kirkland teacher said rolling his eyes. He clearly had something against Mr. Bonnefoy. "I don't care how great your baseball skills are. All that's important to me is that you pass my class. I don't want you having to repeat British Literature-"

"I thought this was English IV."

"Same thing! I don't want you having to repeat English IV because you didn't do one simple assignment."

"Well, jokes on you teach. I can't write about what I don't know," he said. "Maybe I can just not do this assignment, and you can pretend that I did. You know like what they did with the moon landing."

"No. You might be able to get away with this certain thing in your biology class, but my in my class-"

"But, it's totally a win-win! I don't want to write about finding comfort in a friend, and you don't want to have me in your class again next year. So, lets say that I wrote this essay when really I didn't-"

"Why don't you write your essay on baseball?" his teacher suggested cutting him off. "I'm sure that there was at least a time when you found comfort in a teammate-"

Alfred cut Mr. Kirkland off with a laugh. "Ha! Me relying on somebody else for comfort? That's a good one teach. I think I might post that as my Facebook status-"

"It wasn't a joke! A essay on finding comfort in a teammate would be perfect-"

"But, I've never found comfort in a teammate! And even if I did, I have too many teammates. And I call all of my teammates friend. And I don't rank my friends. Maybe you judge your friends but I don't, Mr. Kirkland. So, I can't write this essay. If I did all my friends that I didn't write the essay about would get jealous. And I have over four hundred Facebook friends-"

"I'm sure that your friends won't mind if you-"

"But they will mind! I'm friends with everybody! Except the creepy janitor guy Natalia daydreams about. But he doesn't count as a person or human or anything."

Natalia sat up in her chair. "Excuse me-"

"This essay is impossible, because I'm best friends with everybody, dude! Everybody just loves me romantically or bromantically for some strange reason! I think it's my awesome essence or the fact that I use Axe body spray."

A loud groan was heard from everybody in Mr. Kirkland's class. This wasn't the first time Natalia, Toris, and the other classmates had heard Alfred boast something ridiculous like this.

"That is a very bold thing of you to say," his teacher said ignoring the groan.

"But its true! How can anybody not like the star baseball player, and the guy who holds the record for the most hamburgers eaten in on sitting?"

"I don't think that's something worth bragging about," a quieter student who looked a lot like Alfred mumbled.

Mr. Kirkland shook his head. "What if you weren't the star baseball player?"

"That's stupid. Why wouldn't I be the star baseball player?"

"But, what if you just didn't have baseball in your life and were just a-"

"Dude, then I would play football-"

"No, what if you weren't any sort of star athlete? What if you just played the game, and without any skill or anything? What if you were just a player and not a star player?"

"Dude, you're speaking fortune cookie. I'm not getting you-"

"What if you make a mistake and ruin the next game for everybody. Do you think everybody you call a friend would still admire you and like you? Who would be the person to comfort you and still admire you even though you have just proven yourself for what you really are truly a complete failure?"

"Like that would ever happen! I'm a topnotch player. Me making a mistake, and becoming a total failure would be like hell freezing over, pigs flying, or that creepy janitor guy wearing a sunhat and driving me home," Alfred stated ignoring the question Mr. Kirkland was trying to get him to think about.

"Ivan wouldn't even look good in a sunhat!"

"Nobody wants your opinion, Natalia!"

"I actually care about-"

"Natalia, Toris, please I'm trying to talk to Alfred-"

"Ha, y'all two have to shut up now!"

Mr. Kirkland sighed. Maintaining order in this class was like trying to give a cat its flea medicine. "Think about it, Alfred, what if you really fail at your next game? Who would be the one to comfort you even though you just ruined the game for everybody?"

"I'm not going to ever make a mistake in a game! The game I have tonight is going to be flawless!"

"I want you to really think about this, Alfred. Try to figure out who would be the one to comfort you if you made a mistake, and write your essay on them-"

"You want me to write lies and fiction?"

"No, I want you to-"

His teacher didn't get the chance to finish. The bell rang dismissing everybody from the class. Everybody left before Mr. Kirkland could say anything else.

* * *

Matthew groaned and opened his wallet. His brother was too busy looking at the lunch lady's chest to calculate the price of his average lunch. "How much do you need this time?"

"You still don't know the price of my average lunch?" his identical brother asked chuckling, and moving his eyes away from staring at the lunch lady's chest.

"Its sort of sad that I don't know the amount." Matthew rubbished through his wallet. "I mean I pay for your lunch everyday-"

"Wrong!" his brother corrected. "I don't eat lunch at school on weekends."

"True." Matthew signed and handed the lunch lady a five.

"Thanks," said the lunch lady, in her cute Ukrainian accent. Something about her accent and the way she smiled when she talked always made paying for his brother's meals almost bearable for him. "You two boys have a nice weekend. Oh and be sure to win that game tonight Mr. Jones."

"Thanks Ms. Lunch-lady. Oh and hey, its Friday," his brother mentioned as he started putting his wallet back in his pocket.

"Please don't start singing that one Rebecca Black song."

His brother laughed. "Actually, I was just implying to you that you should give Ms. I-still-can't-pronounce-her-name a Friday bonus." His brother chuckled again and walked off to find a table.

Matthew sighed, watched his brother walk off, and handed the lunch lady another dollar. "Enjoy-"

"You really don't need to give me-"

"Look I'm not giving you a dollar because my brother, Alfred, asked me too." He blushed. "I'm giving you uh... a weekend bonus because... I have..."

"Can you hurry up?" a whiny voice asked behind him. "I want to buy my pasta before it gets cold!"

Matthew turned a deeper shade of red. "Uh... never mind," he mumbled walking away to let the Italian kid buy his pasta.

"Dude, what took so long?" Alfred asked with about half his hamburger in his mouth. "All ya had to do was give Ms. What's-her-name a weekend bonus-"

"Her name is Katyusha Braginskaya and I don't like that you refer to her as-"

"Why are you getting worked up over the fact that I don't know the lunch lady's name?"

"Uh, never mind," Matthew sighed blushing. "Our time in lunch would be better spent with you explaining your actions in English class today."

"Huh?"

"Don't you 'huh' me. You know better than to question an assignment Mr. Kirkland gives you-"

"My little essay rebellion bothered you?"

"It didn't just bother me. It bothered the whole class!" Matthew huffed. "Why can't you just shut up in class and not waste class time by getting Mr. Kirkland mad at you?"

"I don't think that he was really mad at me-"

"And why do you have to keep calling Toris and Natalia lovebirds?"

"Well everybody knows that Toris has a huge crush on Natalia because of-"

"The whole macaroni thing in first grade," Matthew finished cutting Alfred off. "Can you just stop calling them lovebirds? Natalia punches really hard for a girl-"

"Dude, she punched you? Where? That witch is totally going to pay for that."

He probably shouldn't have told his brother that. But it was too late to take it back now. "Just a little tap on the left shoulder. It doesn't hurt or anything."

"Show me."

Matthew stretched the collar of shirt to show Alfred the spot. "It's really nothing. She just thought that I was you, and punched me in the shoulder after class-"

"Natalia should know better than to mess with my little brother," Alfred said getting up from his seat.

"But she thought that she was messing with you when she punched me!" Matthew yelled as his brother walked off to do something even more stupid.

"Your brother really shouldn't leave his trash behind. It leaves me with more janitor work to do," a voice behind Matthew said.

Matthew felt a chill go down his back. Something about the janitor's presence made him feel uncomfortable. "Yeah... I try to make him more humane..."

The janitor laughed and took the seat next to him. "So what stupid thing is he trying to accomplish this time?"

"Oh, I uh made the mistake of telling Alfred that Natalia punched me, and now I think Alfred is going to get revenge by punching Natalia back or something," Matthew said before he could stop himself.

The janitor darkened. "Did you say Natalia?"

"Uh... yeah..."

"I'll be sure to make sure that Mr. Jones receives punishment for harming my little sister," the janitor said before standing back up.

Once the creepy janitor was gone, Matthew was an alone at the lunch table. And for once in his life he felt like he said too much.

* * *

**A/N **

**About a month ago Hunny The Monster asked me to write her a Russia and America hurt/comfort story. Since it's been over a month since I told her that I would write her one I decided to give her a multiple chapter story. **

**Reviews will help me not procrastinate. Oh, and feel free to point out the grammar mistakes. **


	2. Jones Is Escorted To The Office

The younger girl looked up from the lunch table. "Uh, Natalia did you do anything to piss off Alfred today?"

Her friend rolled her eyes, and glared at the boy coming towards their table. "Great, he's coming over here."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing he didn't deserve."

"Hey! Natalia!" the boy coming towards their table said. "I got a bone to pick with you!"

Natalia set her sandwich on the table. "Could this wait? I've having lunch."

"No, this has to be taken care of now." Alfred made it to their table. "You punched my brother!"

She made a puff noise with her mouth. "Do we have to talk about violence during lunch? It completely ruins the atmosphere, and besides I don't think Lili's brother would be too keen about her picking up such violent hurtful words."

"I'm actually used to my brother using violent words," Lili stated.

Alfred sat down on the other side of the table. "Why did you punch my brother Matthew?"

"Easy. He looks like you. I thought he was you. You pissed me off. I punched him."

"That's no reason to punch my brother or anybody! People don't go bombing North Dakota 'cause South Dakota pissed them off."

"Uh, why would somebody bomb a state for making them mad?" Natalia's friend asked. "That really doesn't make much sense."

He ignored her friend's comment and glared at her. "I want you to go over to my little brother and apologize to him. If you do that I might consider taking you to TGI Fridays one day."

"Oh, I'm so charmed by your masculine behavior," Natalia said sarcastically. She picked up her water bottle and took a drink. "You can apologize to him for me."

"That's not good enough! He needs to hear it from you."

"I think giving him a message of my apology is good enough." She turned to her friend. "Lilli, do you think our little swine here telling his brother my apology is good enough to settle this little dispute?"

Lilli gave an awkward laugh. "Uh… I don't want to really get involved in this. My brother doesn't like me getting into other people's problems."

"You're useless." Natalia turned back to facing Alfred. "Well, I think this is settled. You tell Matt, or whatever your lookalike brother's name is, that I'm sorry that I punched him. And as long as you don't do anything else stupid I won't punch you or your stupid brother for the rest of the day."

"No deal."

She raised an eyebrow. "Then what do you suggest?"

"You go apologize to him in person," he stated. "I want you to walk up to my little brother and say, 'I'm sorry that I punched you and I won't punch you or anybody else ever again. I'll work on behaving more like a Disney princess, and maybe one day I'll be nice enough for sexy Alfred to take me to TGI Fridays.'"

"Not going to happen."

"Why? Would you rather go to Red Lobster?"

"I don't want to go out with you ever," Natalia spat. "And I meant that I'm not going to go up to your brother to apologize."

"Why not?"

She shook her head in disgust. "Two reasons. First of all it's beneath me. I see no point in apologizing when I really don't feel sorry about it. He looks like you, so he deserves to be treated like you. Your brother is a wimp and needs to grow some balls. Having me apologize doesn't exactly help him with growing those balls-"

"Hey, my brother has balls!"

"Right, he such big balls that he doesn't have his swine of a brother go up to a girl that punched him to beg that she apologizes," Natalia spat sarcastically. "Anyway, my second reason is that I don't want to get up from this table until I have to go to my next class."

"You're lazy."

She chuckled. "How amusing the most American person we know is claiming that somebody born in Belarus is lazy. Lili isn't that just amusing?"

Her friend gave a weak laugh. "Uh… sort of… I guess…"

"I don't see the humor in that. You're not funny," Alfred said glaring. "You either apologize to my little brother in person and mean it! Or-"

"Oh, interesting there's an 'or'," Natalia said cutting him off. "Amuse me swine."

"We get even."

"Are you asking if you can punch me? Doesn't punching a lady go against some male code of honor?"

"It would if you were a lady. And you're no lady. You're more of sexy version of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. If you were more of an Ariel I would consider dating you."

"That's a bit of a ridiculous justification for punching a lady." She stood up from the table. "Well, go on and punch me. But be warned the second you raise your hand to strike I'm going to scream. It might 'cause some unnecessary drama."

"Uh… Natalia," Lili pleaded weakly. "…I… uh… don't think this is a good idea… You could… uh… just go apologize in person to Matthew."

He stood up ignoring her friend just like she had. "I don't care if you manage to get the principal down her 'cause you scream like some sort of raped car alarm. I'm going to punch the shit out of you."

"I'll like to see you try," Natalia taunted.

"I don't disappoint."

She closed her eyes to amuse him and held her arms out to look more vulnerable. "Go on. Hit me."

"With pleasure," Alfred said raising his arm.

"Jones! Lower your arm and step away from my little sister!" the janitor yelled before she could scream as promised.

The janitor's yell was so unexpected that he lowered his arm as he was commanded and stepped back.

"Uh oh," Lili said. "You got her brother here."

Natalia lowered her arms and giggled. "Hello, Ivan. It's nice to see you actually take action. You do love me. I knew it. If you didn't love me then you wouldn't have bothered coming here. I was however wondering how long I would be amusing this swine here before you decided to take action. About how long have you been watching?"

"Awhile."

"What? What? Since when are you two related?" Alfred asked once he was able to process what was going on. "Dude! That's like beyond Hunchback Of Notre-Dame Frollo sniffing Esmeralda's hair level of disgusting! You have a thing for your big brother! And your brother… GROSS!"

"The love is one-sided," Ivan stated glaring at him. "I feel nothing beyond brotherly love towards my sister."

Ivan's little sister sat down upset. "You're just in denial."

"Natalia, Lili, if you two don't mind I'll like to escort Mr. Jones to office."

Natalia's friend looked up at the janitor. "We don't mind."

"The office? What did I do?"

"You attempted to punch me!"

"Well, besides leaving your trash behind on your table, you attempted to punch my little sister," Ivan stated. "Threating to be violent is treated the same as performing something violent in this school district."

"I don't want to be escorted by you to the office! If anybody should be escorted to the office its Natalia! She literally punched my brother!"

"We have no proof of that. Lilli, did you see your friend punch anybody?"

"Uh… I don't see Natalia until lunch. So, I don't know what she does before that."

She giggled. "Looks like sexy Alfred won't be pitching at his game tonight."

"What? Dude, This is totally not fair! And that's totally not going to happen. Without me this school's baseball team is toast."

"We'll see what Ludwig has to say about this-"

Alfred cut him off. "Who's Ludwig?"

"He's your school principal. You know him as Mr.-"

"Dude, I don't want to go to the principal's office. It's just going to be a stupid waste of time. He's going to not do anything 'cause I'm so important to his school's baseball team!"

"We'll see what he does," Ivan said. "You're going to follow me to his office and he's going to decide if you should be punished or not."

"But I didn't do anything! If anybody should be getting in trouble its Natalia! She punched Matthew!"

"Nobody saw that and you threated to punch me!"

"You were taunting me too! You wanted me to punch you! And if you would have just apologizing to my brother like a Disney princess would then none of this crap would have happened!"

"Mr. Jones, please don't threaten any more acts of violence. You're already on thin ice," Ivan informed as he took out his walkie-talkie he received when he became the school's janitor. "Now, you can either go with me to the office or I can call Mr. Zwingli to escort you there."

"I don't need the school's security escorting me!"

"I wouldn't mind seeing big brother," Lili said. "Seeing him always brightens up my day."

The janitor pushed a few buttons on his walkie-talkie. "Its your choice Mr. Jones. Either I escort you or Mr. Zwingli does."

"Fine! I'll follow you to the stupid office!" He said pushing in his chair. "You don't need to bring in Lili's big brother."

Ivan smiled and put his walkie-talkie back on his belt. "I'm glad you picked the easy way."

"Meh," Alfred huffed following the janitor out of the cafeteria. "I hate you and your Disney villain of a little sister."

"I really don't care what you like. As long as you're nice to my sister and don't ever try to hit on her I don't care what you do."

"I won't even consider dating her until she becomes more of a Disney princess. Preferably Ariel."

"Your obsession with Disney movies is somewhat amusing."

"Good. Be amused," he said as they entered the hallway. "I hate you. I'm friends with practically everybody but I'm not friends with you. And I don't want to be friends with you 'cause I hate you."

His escort just laughed amused and didn't say anything.

"Do you know how many friends I have?" He waited a second for a response that he didn't get. "Do you? This information is going to blow your creepy janitor mind."

Ivan smirked but didn't say anything again.

"I have over three hundred friends on Facebook. That's a lot of friends. So, clearly it's not hard for me to consider somebody a friend. But, I don't consider you a friend 'cause you're a creepy janitor and I hate you."

The two made it two the principal's office. Ivan knocked on the door and Ludwig's secretary Elizabeta Héderváry answered it.

"Mr. Braginsky and Alfred Jones," Ms. Héderváry acknowledged as she opened the door. "What brings both of you to the office?"

"Nothing! This creepy janitor is making me go the office for no real reason!" Alfred declared. "This is going to just waste everybody's valuable stupid time!"

"As you can see Ms. Héderváry, Mr. Jones is here for disruptive behavior."

Elizabeta nodded. "The principal is having is on the phone with the super attendant at the moment, but I'm sure that he'll be willing to speak with Alfred afterwards. You can take a seat to wait, and I'll tell you when he's done speaking with Mr. Karpusi."

"Thank you, Ms. Héderváry. We won't mind the little wait."

"This is so stupid," he spat taking a seat anyway. He turned to the man that escorted him there. "I hate you and your creepy janitor life."

* * *

Matthew had watched his brother walk out of the cafeteria with the janitor. "Oh… Alfred what did you do this time?" he mumbled to himself.

"Hey, Jones are you looking forward to our game tonight?" a friend of Alfred's asked taking a seat at his table. "Without your pitching we're going to be screwed like Ms. Héderváry in her loveless marriage to that wimp of a music teacher."

"Oh. Hi, Gilbert. I'm afraid you confused me for my brother."

"Damn, you guys look alike."

"I'm used to it."

Gilbert put his arms on the table. "So, what's up, Matt?"

"Well, I just watched the janitor escort Alfred out of the cafeteria, so I don't think things are going okay," he stated. "I hope they're not going to the office."

His friend shrugged. "Who knows? If they're going to the office they should say hi to Elizabeta and tell her that her husband is a wimp."

"Do you really think they're going to the office?"

"I don't know. If Al is going to the office its probably for some good thing." Gilbert snorted. "I bet the lucky bastard is getting his name on some plaque or something for being such a good baseball player."

"Yeah… probably." Matthew paused for a second. "Uh… what would you do if my brother was actually in real trouble?"

"Nothing I guess. As long as the stud shows up to pitch at the games I don't care what he does."

"Uh… what if Alfred gets in so much trouble that the school doesn't allow him to pitch at the game tonight?"

"I'll probably piss on his car and flip him off." His friend shrugged. "You know, if your bro didn't have his baseball talent I would probably hate him. Baseball really is the only thing he has going for him."

He gave a weak laugh. "Uh… really?"

"Yeah. But don't worry, Matt. You're cool. I'd still hang out with you if your brother were to quit the team or miss this important game tonight."

Matthew shrugged. "Thanks, I guess."

The bell rang and everybody was dismissed from lunch to go to whatever class they had next.

* * *

**A/N**

**What's Germany's surname? **

**I'm a lazy jerk. I promise Hunny The Monster (I think it's a different penname now) that I'm going to write um a story and I procrastinate for almost a whole year. Sure, some crap did happen in my life, but the real reason the second chapter is this late is 'cause I'm a lazy jerk. **

**I'm sorry everybody. **

**Anyway, please review. It can help me not procrastinate for a whole year again. I plan to actually finish this story. Oh, and point out grammar mistakes! **


	3. Never Call The Principal A Nazi

"Alfred, the principal will see you now," Elizabeta said opening the door that lead from her office to the student hallway. "He just finished his phone conversation with Mr. Karpusi."

Alfred got up from his chair glaring at the Russian janitor. "Is he coming in the room with me?"

"Would you like Mr. Braginski to accompany you?"

"No. I don't want him and anything about his creepy janitor life near me! It'll probably turn me into a creepy janitor when I get old or something. I'm too awesome to be a janitor when I get all wrinkled looking."

Ivan smiled and shook his head. "I'll come in if Ludwig wants to hear my side of the story."

Ms. Héderváry nodded. "Of course. Follow me, Mr. Jones."

"This is still just a big waste of time," the student stated as he followed the secretary through her little office to the principal's office. "I say that y'all just fire that creepy janitor with the Russian accent, and we pretend that this never happened. Which will be easy 'cause I didn't actually do anything."

"I'm sorry Alfred, but I'm not in charge of the firing around here," Elizabeta said. "If you didn't do anything then just tell the principal clearly and respectfully that you didn't do anything."

"Then what will happen? And do you think that I did anything?"

"Well, Mr. Kirkland, your English teacher, loves to just go on and on about your disruptive behavior during his class. He even wrote a long list of everything disruptive about you."

"I'm not disruptive! He just needs to teach his stupid class better."

Elizabeta sighed and shook her head. "Try not to have an outburst while you're talking to the principle," she said as she opened the door to Ludwig's office. "Hello sir, I brought Alfred F. Jones here for you two can discuss disruptive behavior."

"I don't have disruptive behavior!"

"Thank you, Ms. Héderváry," Ludwig held up some papers. "Oh, before you leave can you make some copies of these."

She smiled and took the papers. "Sure."

"Be sure to give me the copies before school lets out."

"Yes, sir." Elizabeta left the room.

"Mr. Jones, please take a seat" Ludwig, the principal, said acknowledging his visitor, "and explain to me why you have been escorted to my office by the school janitor?"

"What's with your accent?"

"I was born and raised in Germany."

"So, you're like a Nazi?"

The German principle crunched his hand into a fist and then released it after taking a breath. "No, Mr. Jones I'm not a Nazi. Are you materialistic just because you were born and raised in America?"

"What's materialistic?"

Ludwig rolled his eyes. "Just take a seat and tell me why you were sent here."

Alfred took a seat as instructed. "I'm just here 'cause the school janitor is a big jerk and has no friends. I'm not even his friend 'cause he's such a big jerk. Big jerks don't get friends 'cause they're big jerks."

"Sit up straight when you you're speaking to authority."

The student slumped down in his seat. "This is just a stupid waste of time. I should be in Biology class right now. I don't mind missing Biology, but if I'm missing it 'cause I'm stuck in the office for no stupid reason, then I mind missing Biology."

The principal glared at him. "Didn't I just ask you to sit up?"

The young American ignored him and put his feet up on his desk. "This is just so stupid. I shouldn't be here. I should be in Biology class. Listening to Mr. Bonnefoy fan girl about the reproductive system and all its icky parts-"

"I thought you guys are discussing animal kingdoms now. You're still on the reproductive system? Oh, and get your feet off of my desk like I ordered you to. Its very unsanitary."

Alfred took his feet off of the desk. "Yeah, that's all Mr. Bonnefoy talks about in class. Its actually pretty disgusting."

"Sit up straight," Ludwig commanded. "Your class hasn't moved on to anything else in Biology?"

The young American student didn't bother fixing his slouch. "Nope. Yeah, Mr. Bonnefoy is totally some batshit cray-cray dude. Mr. Kirkland hates his guts for some weird reason too. I never understood it. It's almost like those two dated once or something-"

The principle cut him off. "You shouldn't talk about your fellow teachers like that. It's very inappropriate. Their private lives deserve to be kept secret it's more polite that way. It's also polite to sit up straight when you're speaking to authority."

He huffed. "Sorry, boss. You just need to watch Arthur-"

"Arthur?"

"Its Mr. Kirkland's first name. I use it 'cause I believe that I'm at a personally level with him. Anyway, you just have to watch Mr. Kirkland rant about some of the crazy stuff Mr. Bonnefoy has done. It's down right hilarious. My favorite story is his story about how Mr. Bonnefoy ruined the school's bake sale. He puts his hand over his crotch to tell that story. I guess some parts of it still brings back bad memories."

His principle put his hand to his face. "Is this the way you behave when you're in class?"

"Nah. When I'm in class I got a whole band of fans telling me how awesome and sexy I am."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. Do ya know Natalia? She's the sexy girl from Belarus who's somehow siblings with that creepy janitor sitting outside. Yeah, I know right? I just learned that they're siblings today. Those two don't even look alike. I bet Natalia hit the jackpot of good genetics and her creepy janitor brother hit his ugly face with a blender-"

"Where are you going with this?"

He laughed. "Somewhere awesome. I'm ninety percent sure that Natalia is the president of my fan club. She loves saying stuff about how much she hates my stupid American ass. I think it's really sweet that she likes to think about my ass and talk about it. 'Cause dude I have a rocking ass from all that baseball practice. Anyway, I think Natalia has a big crush on me or just wants to wear my ass as a hat. It's totally like a real shame 'cause my buddy Toris has been in love since like before she got her boobs."

Ludwig shook his head and stood up from her desk. "How many siblings do you have?"

"I got a twin little brother. His name is Matthew. He spent most of his life in Canada. That's why he's a little messed up in the head."

"Matthew Williams? The salutatorian?"

"Yeah dude, Matthew Williams is my awesome little brother and I thought my bro was valedictorian."

"Eduard von Bock took his spot last semester."

"Damn, that smartass Estonian bastard," Alfred mumbled to himself. "Why are ya asking me about my sibling anyway?"

The German principal looked out his window. "I'm just trying to figure out the root of your disruptive behavior-"

"I don't have disruptive behavior!"

Ludwig opened a drawer in his desk and took out a paper. "Do you have two parents at home?"

"Yeah. I got a Momma and a Daddy."

"Are they your birthparents?"

"Yes."

"Would you say that your parents have a stable relationship?"

"Uh… well they were split for quite a few years. Matt lived with Mom in Canada and I lived with Dad here. Then when we hit grade school Matt lived with us in United States and would go spend his summers in Canada. And then they got remarried and we just all lived here."

"Interesting. How old were you when your parents got remarried?" his principle asked sitting back down at his desk.

"Fourteen."

"And your sixteen now?"

"Seventeen actually. I'm a senior."

"Oh… right." Ludwig nodded and started filling out the paper he had taken from his desk. "What are your parents like?"

"Well my dad's a lot like me, and my mom's a lot like my brother. Its pretty weird how similar we are to our parents."

"Does it bother you that you didn't live with your mother in Canada?"

Alfred snorted. "Hell, nah. I had a choice and I choose to live with Daddy. 'Cause Daddy is like the awesome adult version of me. I did feel bad for living with Dad without Matt, but it was Matt's choice to live with Mom. Dude, why is this important?"

"I'm a fairly new principle here, so I don't know you on a personal level like the principle before me. Your file is pretty large Mr. Jones. If there's a root for your disruptive behavior then I'd like to find it."

"I don't have disruptive behavior! And why are you asking me all these stupid personal questions about my family? Isn't that like private life? And isn't that like polite to be kept secret?"

His principle smiled. "I'm surprised that you remember me saying that."

"Shit, dude. I remember things. Why do people think I'm incapable of that? Anyway, shouldn't you like be asking me questions about why the creepy janitor sent me here? That's what the principle dude before ya would have done."

"I already asked you that. And you told me that you were sent here because the Mr. Braginski has no friends-"

"He doesn't have any friends!"

"Then I came to the conclusion that you were sent here for disruptive behavior in the cafeteria-"

"Wrong! I was sent here 'cause the creepy janitor is ridiculously overprotective of his stupid little sister!"

"You didn't say anything about that."

"I didn't? I thought I did tell you that Natalia punched my brother for no good reason, and I went up to her to make her apologize, and her brother can up to me and was like, 'creepy commie people don't apologize. I'm taking ya to the office', and then I was forced to go to the office."

"You never said anything about Natalia punching your brother."

"Well, she did! And I got sent here 'cause I tried to make her apologize! UGH! This school is so stupid!"

"Are you positive that Natalia punched your brother?"

"He's got a hideous bruise that looks kinda like a hickey."

"Did you see Natalia punch your brother?"

"No, but I saw his hickey like bruise."

"How do you know that Natalia didn't just give your brother a hickey?"

"Dude, Natalia told me herself that she punched my brother."

"Why would Natalia punch your brother?"

"She said that she thought my brother was me, and she punched him for that."

"Why would Natalia want to punch you?"

Alfred made a puff noise with his mouth. "I don't know. Maybe she just has all this stupid sexual tension and has to release it somehow."

Ludwig shook his head. "I'm sorry, Alfred but there's nothing that we can do about Natalia punching your brother. We have no evidence that Natalia didn't just give Matthew a hickey."

"Why would Natalia give my brother a hickey?"

The German shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe it was sexual tension and she thought your brother was you."

"What? Dude, that's totally not cool. I could have gotten a hickey from Natalia!"

"Sure," Ludwig said sarcastically. "Now Alfred if I'm not mistaken you're the pitcher of the baseball team, and are going to pitch at the game tonight?"

"Yes, sir. My curveball is like the seventh wonder of the world."

"Right. Well, give this to your coach when you see him." The principle handed him the paper he filled out earlier.

He took the paper and read it. "Bro, this is says that I can't play at the game tonight."

"Its your punishment for your disruptive behavior today."

"What disruptive behavior? Why isn't Natalia getting any punishment she's the one that punched or gave a hickey to my brother?"

"We have no evidence of Natalia doing either of those things. As for your disruptive behavior, I have a long list Mr. Kirkland wrote about the things you have done, and Mr. Braginski is in the hallway prepared to testify amount your behavior in the cafeteria today-"

"This is so unfair!"

"Also you refuse to acknowledge my authority. I've asked you a number of times to sit up straight, and you've refused. You also put your feet up on my desk. That was very disrespectful. I believe that you need to be taught a lesson."

Alfred sat up in his chair finally. "I don't need to be thought a lesson! Look I'm sitting up straight now. I don't need to be kept from playing my game tonight. The team is going to totally suck without me!"

"I'll be sure to email your coach about this. Just in case you accidently lose that note I handed you."

"Bro, your totally a Nazi!"

Ludwig took a deep breath. "Alfred, get out of my office."

* * *

**A/N**

**Poor Alfred. I'm not one-hundred percent in love with this chapter, but its been on my computer desktop for some time. I've given up on making it better. **

**Hey dudes, thanks for reading. Please point out any grammar mistakes I might have in a review. Also feel free to review for any other reason. I just want reviews 'cause they make me feel special. **


	4. Oxenstierna's Study Hall

"What are you looking at?" Alfred asked Mr. Branginski as he closed the door to Ms. Héderváry's office. "Haven't you seen a kid walk out of the principal's office before? You probably have since you work at this stupid school."

The janitor smiled. "I take it Ludwig isn't part of the Alfred F. Jones fan club, and isn't interesting in becoming a member."

"Damn, he wishes he could be part of my fan club. He can't because he's a Nazi bastard with the same amount of friends you have. That's a total of zero friends. You have zero friends."

"Did you call him a Nazi to his face?"

"Hell, yeah. His stupid Nazi face was asking for it," he answered. "Shit, why am I talking to you? You're probably trying to use your creepy janitor ways to make me a creepy Russian or something. I'm too damn American to be Russian like you."

Ivan grinned. "I think you and society would benefit if you picked up some of my culture."

"Dude, you're batshit crazy. Who says stuff like that? No wonder you don't have any friends."

"What's your punishment?"

"That's personal information. I don't have to tell you anything."

"He banned you from playing that game of yours tonight-"

Alfred cut him off. "No! I mean… he didn't do anything. I have no punishment. Ha, you didn't think that one through did you creepy janitor?"

Mr. Branginski raised an eyebrow. "Care to explain to me what you're talking about?"

"You thought forcing me to the office would crap my style, but it didn't. 'Cause even though the principal is a jerk face he's still more of a bro than you. That's why he's cool and didn't give me a punishment like you would have wanted. I'm totally allowed to pitch at my big game tonight."

"If you don't have a punishment than why do you have a slip?"

"I don't have a slip." He quickly crammed the paper the principal had given him into his pocket. "What are you talking about? I don't even know what that is."

"That paper you just shoved into your pants pocket, it's a slip. Students are given those to give to their teacher, or coach in your case, to explain to them-"

Alfred cut him off. "You probably should get your eyes checked. I don't have any stupid slip or something. I told ya already the principal is more of a bro than you and didn't give me a punishment."

"I think you're lying."

"Why would I waste my life lying to a no life janitor like you?"

"I don't know. Why are you wasting your life talking to me instead of going to your Biology class?"

"How do you know that I have Biology right now? Are you like a creepy stalker or something? Stalking me isn't going to make me your friend."

"I have no interest in stalking you. And you're just in the same class as my little sister, Natalia," Ivan answered. "She says that you're as disruptive in Mr. Bonnefoy's class as you are in Mr. Kirkland's class."

"Mr. Bonnefoy's cool and lets me talk and Mr. Kirkland needs to learn to teach his stupid class better."

"Right." The janitor stood up from the bench he was sitting on. "Well, I have to get back to work. It's a shame that Ludwig didn't want to hear my side of the story. I would have enjoyed telling it. I don't know, I guess he was able to draw his own conclusion from your disruptive behavior-"

He cut him off. "I don't have disruptive behavior!"

"You should get going to your Biology class."

Before Alfred could say anything else the dismissal bell went off. This flooded the hallway with various students that needed to get to their next class.

"Ha!" he laughed. "Now I don't have to go to Biology! That class is over sucker!"

"I'm glad this amuses you."

"Now I got study hall with Mr. Oxenstierna! Oh, and Natalia ain't in my study hall class! So, that means that you don't have some spy watching me. Boom! Ya don't know how I act in study hall!"

A random student in the hallway frowned. "Why is that kid yelling?"

The student's friend sighed. "Its Alfred F. Jones, don't question him."

"Okay." The two students walked off.

Ivan smiled amused by the random students, and turned back to face the young disruptive American. "I assume that you're just as disruptive in your study hall as you are anywhere else."

"That's what you think!" Alfred yelled as he walked off to his study hall classroom. "I'm awesome no matter what!"

Mr. Branginski shook his head. "That boy really has something screwed up in his head," he mumbled before heading towards the cafeteria to clean it up.

* * *

"You missed Biology," Matthew said. "We actually moved on to animal kingdoms in class today. It was really fascinating."

Alfred took the seat next to his brother. "Blah, I'm sure that it wasn't as fascinating as it could have been. Nothing is awesome without Alfred F. Jones."

"Things certainly are more productive without Alfred F. Jones."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked as he took the slip out of his pocket to stare out.

"Nothing." His Canadian brother sighed and took some papers out of his backpack to study. "I really ought to read these. Are you going to work on the essay Mr. Kirkland assigned?"

"I got writers block right now, and still have too many friends to write about. What kind of notes are ya reading?"

"Biology notes on animal kingdoms," Matthew answered. "Mr. Bonnefoy gave them to us at the end of his lecture. He told us to review them for our quiz on Monday."

"Gross. Quizzes are likes Satan's toilet paper."

"Do you want me to make you a copy of my notes since you missed class?"

"Nah. I'll just watch a YouTube video on animal kingdoms later or something."

"You sure that you don't want a copy of my notes?"

"Yep." Alfred looked at the slip his principal had given him and groaned. "Hey Matt, do you know how to hack into a computer and prevent an email from sending?"

"I'm not that great with computers." His twin brother looked up from his notes on animal kingdoms to look at him. "If you want computer help then you should probably ask Eduard-"

He cut his brother off. "I'm not going to ask that Estonian smartass."

"Why are you calling him a smartass?" Matthew asked frowning.

"He took your spot as Valedictorian," Alfred answered crumbling the paper slip in his hands. "If I ask him for help then I'll be supporting him! It'll be like I'm telling him that I'm okay with him taking your spot as Valedictorian."

"I'm the Salutatorian now?"

"Yeah, that Nazi principal jerk face told me that Eduard took your spot. Doesn't that like totally suck, bro?"

"A little. But it's not that important. Nobody really cares about academics at this school anyway." His brother sighed. "Uh… it really doesn't bother me that he took my spot."

"It doesn't bother ya? Seriously? If I was you then I would be super pissed if somebody took my high score on the only thing I got going for me."

Matthew frowned and set his notes down. "You think academics is the only thing I have going for me?"

He nodded and crumbled up the paper the principal had given him more in his hands. "Uh… yeah dude. You're not on the baseball team like I am. And this school doesn't have a hockey team. So, yeah, academics and school crud is the only thing you got going for ya."

"Well… uh… that's really refreshing to know," his brother said weakly. "What's that paper you're playing with?"

"This is just a stupid slip the jerk Nazi principal gave me," Alfred answered. "It says that I can't pitch or play the baseball game tonight. I'm supposed to give it to coach at practice."

"So why did you crumble it up?"

He groaned and ripped the crumbled paper in half. "'Cause if I give this to coach I would be a flipping idiot. I can't give coach a paper that keeps his star player from pitching. It will totally ruin everything!"

Mr. Oxenstierna, the independent study hall teacher, looked up from his computer screen. "Mr. Jones, please use your inside voice."

"Sorry, teach!" Alfred lowered his voice and turned back to his brother. "So, bro as I was saying I can't not play at the game tonight."

Matthew nodded remembering what his friend had told him earlier at lunch. "Yeah, Gilbert wouldn't be to happy if you missed the game tonight."

"Yeah, probably. But the bro won't be able to stay mad at me for long. Nobody can stay mad at me. I'm just too awesome. I can always count on Gil to take me to IHOP for some good pancake loving to remind me that I'm so freaking awesome."

"What?"

"Okay, that might have sounded a little homo. But, Gilbert is totally cool with anything I do or don't do. That dude loves me as much as Natalia does."

His brother moaned and debated if he should tell him what Gilbert told him earlier or if he should just change the subject.

"I bet if Gil was a girl he would constantly get into catfights with Natalia over who could date me," Alfred continued talking.

"So, uh… computers?" Matthew asked surrendering to a subject change. "Didn't you ask something about emails or something?"

"Oh, yeah. I need you to hack into Ludwig's email and-"

"Who's Ludwig?"

"The stupid German principal Nazi guy," he answered. "I don't respect him enough to use his last name."

His brother sighed. "Oh… goodness."

"Anyhow, stupid Ludwig is going to send an email out to my coach that says everything my note I ripped up says."

"Oh no."

"Yeah, big 'oh no'. That's why I need a dork to hack into his email and keep it from sending. Or hack into coach's email and delete it before he reads it. You have to help me out, bro."

"I wish I could help you, but I really don't know much about computers. You should really just ask Eduard."

Alfred frowned. "God, if I do that then I'll be saying that I'm okay with him taking your Valedictorian spot."

"I'm okay with him taking my spot."

"Yeah, just keep telling yourself that. I know that Estonian bastard taking your spot makes it hard for ya to sleep at night."

"That's ridiculous. I just found out that he took my spot today. Its not going to keep me awake at night or anything."

"Yes it will. When Gilbert came close to pitching up to my speed I had trouble sleeping. He didn't ever get to my speed, but the fact that he was getting close to mimicking my fastball made me restless," he explained. "Eduard actually did bet you. This has to keep ya awake at night. And anybody that keeps my bro awake at night is not a bro to me."

"I just found out that he took my spot today," Matthew repeated. "It won't bother me if you ask him to help you with stopping that email, and it shouldn't bother you."

Alfred shook his head. "If you grew up in America like me than you be a product of awesome like me. Sometimes I forget that spending most of your life in Canada has made you a product of weirdness."

"Sometimes I forget that spending most of your life in America has made you extremely modest," his brother said sarcastically. "Just ask Eduard for help. He probably doesn't know that he's Valedictorian, anyway."

"But what if he does?"

"If he does just don't mention it. Don't annoy him enough into wanting to annoy you back."

"I have no idea what that means."

"Just ask Eduard and don't mention anything about academic ranking."

"I rather have you do it."

"I'm sorry but I don't know anything about computers."

"No, I meant that I rather have you ask him."

"This is your problem not mine."

"I wish that this was your problem." He crossed his arms. "It would make everything easier."

"Just ask Eduard politely."

Alfred groaned. "Fine!"

Mr. Oxenstierna looked up from his desk. "Jones?"

"Yeah, inside voices. Sorry teach." He turned back to his brother. "I'll ask Eduard, but if that Estonian bastard starts acting like he's better than you then I'm going slap the Estonian out of him."

"Slap the Estonian out of him?" Matthew picked his notes back up to study. "Do I even what to know what that means? Uh… whatever just ask him when you see him after study hall."

* * *

**A/N**

**If you notice a grammar mistake then please point it out. The sooner I fix it the better. **

**Also feel free to review. As long as the number of reviews I have is larger than the number of chapters I have, I am fine with a lot of ya not reviewing. But, if the number of chapters I have is larger than the number of reviews I have, then I have a problem with freeloaders. **


	5. Punching Out The Estonian

Eduard opened his locker. "So Toris, do you have any plans for the weekend?"

"I'm planning on asking Natalia to the movies," Toris answered. "I have a good feeling that she'll actually want to go out with me this time."

"This time?" The Estonian snorted. "About how many times have you asked her out?"

"Too many to count. But, it's never like she flat out turns me down. She always has something more important to do that prevents her from going out with me."

Eduard grabbed his jacket from his locker. "Like what?"

"Well, lots of her realities die and she has to go to their funerals. Her cat constantly gets sick and has to be picked up from the vet. And she also gets sick a lot too."

"What makes you think this time is going to be different?" the valedictorian asked as he zipped up his jacket.

Toris smiled. "Easy. She won't have any funerals to go to, because both sets of her grandparents have died and are buried. Her cat is healthy 'cause I saw her walking around on my way to school. And I've been monitoring Natalia's health all week-"

Eduard cut him off. "What? You've been monitoring Natalia's health? Isn't that a little creepy?"

"I mean that I've been watching Natalia. I haven't like checked her temperature without her knowing or anything." The Lithuanian gave an awkward laugh. "I've just noticed that she hasn't sneezed, coughed, or complained about headaches all week. That means she's healthy!"

The Estonian closed his locker. "What if she just says 'no'?"

"She's not going to."

"What makes you think that?"

Toris grinned. "Well, whenever I do ask her out she says that she'd love to but she has to be at a funeral to go too, or has to pick her cat up, or isn't feeling well enough to go out. Today her family, cat, and health are fine!"

The valedictorian shook his head. "Have you ever thought that she was lying because she didn't want to go out with you?"

"I think Natalia would be honest with me-"

A loud American voice laughed cutting the Lithuanian off. "Fat change, Toris. I hate to be the one to tell ya this but Natalia isn't really that into you. If she ever shows interest in you, then she's probably on crack."

Eduard sighed. "Oh hello, Alfred."

"Hi Eddiekins!"

"Eddiekins?" the Estonian asked raising an eyebrow. "Since when do you have a nickname for me?"

Alfred put his arm on Eduard's shoulder. "Since we became best friends forever!" He turned to Toris. "Toris don't look so glum. You can be my best friend when I'm in need of whatever skills you have."

The Lithuanian frowned. "Uh… okay? I… uh… going to go see if I can find Natalia before my next class starts. Bye."

Eduard pushed the athlete's hand off his shoulder. "Good luck."

"You're going to need it," Alfred added. "Natalia doesn't give two shits about you."

Toris frowned and walked off without saying anything else.

The valedictorian watched his friend walk off and turned to face the annoying student from his Geometry class. "So, why am I randomly your best friend forever?"

The American chuckled. "I require your skills."

"What are you talking about?"

"As much as I hate to admit it your smarter than…" Alfred paused for dramatic effect. "Matthew. You know my twin little brother? Well, you're smarter than him."

"And that means?"

"It means that my brother is too stupid to know anything about computers," the athlete answered. "I need help with computers. My brother is too stupid to help me. You're smarter than my brother so like Dora the damn explorer I need your help."

"With what?"

"Hacking into an email address and stopping an email. Can you do that?"

"I've helped Toris out with problems like that before. He's had a few mishaps were he confessed his love to Natalia in an email and mistakenly sent it to her."

"I knew Toris is in love with Natalia!"

"Everybody does. That whole macaroni thing in grade school was a dead give away."

The American chuckled. "So, cool dude you know how to help a guy when he pussy outs with telling a chick his feelings. Does that mean that you know how to stop like any email?"

Eduard shrugged. "I guess. What did you send out that needs to be stopped?"

"Nothing. I didn't send out anything," Alfred answered. "I need you to stop an email the principal sent out to my coach."

"What does that email say?"

"Nothing that's your business. I just need you to stop that email before coach reads it. Can you stop that email?"

"I could try but I don't think that it's a good idea."

"How could it not be a good idea? You don't even know what this email says and you immediately think that stopping it is a horrible idea. You would be a terrible person for the secret service or whatever."

"You won't tell me what's in the email."

"That's because you don't need to know. Why do you have to be so nosy?"

"I'm not being nosy."

"Meh. Whatever. Are you going to help me stop that email or not?"

"I'm not going to help you stop that email."

"Why not? Its totally a good idea!"

The Estonian shook his head. "No, its not. Do you know how much trouble I can get into for hacking into a school's email?"

"You only will get in trouble if you get caught, and if you get caught then you can just blame me. I'll totally take the fall for ya."

"I seriously doubt that."

"You think that I'll let you get in trouble?"

"Yes. You let Matthew get into trouble all the time."

"What if I promised you?" Alfred asked as he put his hand on his heart. "I promise that I, Alfred F. awesome Jones, will take the blame if you, Eduard von smartass Bock, somehow gets into trouble." He took his arm off his heart. "Was that promise good enough for ya or do you want a spit or blood promise?"

"Neither. I'm just not going to do it, Alfred."

"But I promised you that I won't let you get into trouble! That should be a good enough reason for you to do this for me."

"I'm sorry Alfred but I don't want to risk anything. Also I'm not even sure if I can hack into the principal's email. Getting into Natalia's email is easy because her password is so predicable."

"Ludwig's password could be predictable too!"

Eduard raised an eyebrow. "Ludwig?"

"I don't have enough respect for our principal to use his last name and the word mister when referring to him," the American answered. "So are you going to help me out and stay my best friend forever?"

"I already told you that I'm not going to do this."

"Why not?"

"I already explained to you my answer to you."

The athlete frowned at the valedictorian. "Dude, are you just acting this way 'cause you think you're better than me and my brother? Is that it? You think that since you're from Estonia that you're better than me. Huh?"

"I never said that-"

"Well I got news for you and your stupid valedictorian ass, you're not better than me!" Alfred yelled. "You're just better than my stupid brother 'cause he's Canadian and now salutatorian!"

"I'm the valedictorian now?"

The American's face filled with rage. "Say that again and see what happens."

"I'm the valedictorian now?" the Estonian repeated.

"You shouldn't have said that. Now I'm going to punch the Estonian out of you."

"What does that-"

Alfred cut Eduard off by punching him in the face. "How dare you go around boasting about how smart you are 'cause you're the valedictorian!"

The athlete's yelling caught the attention of Mr. Zwingli, the school's police officer and Lili's older brother, who wasn't too fall away. "What's going on over there?" he called down the hallway.

"What did I ever do to you?" The valedictorian put his hand to his bloody nose. "Why did you punch me?"

"Easy. You were bragging about being the valedictorian, and you refused to help me," the athletic answered. "That gives me a good enough to punch the Estonian out of you. But, since your accent doesn't really sound too American yet, I'm thinking about giving you another punch-"

The American was cut off by the school's police officer. "You will do no such think."

"Damn, how come nobody is American at this American school? What even is your accent?"

"I'm Swiss, but that's not important," Mr. Zwingli answered before he turned to Eduard. "You with the bloody nose go to the nurse and get a Band-Aid or something." He turned back to face Alfred. "As for you, you're going to follow me the office."

"Ugh! I was just there. I don't want to go back there!"

"Thank you, Mr. Zwingli. Tell Lili that I said hi," the Estonian said as he left to the nurse.

"I don't want to go back there!" the American repeated. "This school is just filled with a lot of shitheads that want to limit my potential."

"I'll be sure to mention your disruptive behavior and bad attitude after I tell the principal that you punched that poor boy in the face."

"Why does everybody keep saying that I'm disruptive?"

"Maybe because you are acting disruptive. You can think about that on our walk to the office," the Swiss said. "I rather have you think instead of talk."

"Well, fat change. Nobody can tell Alfred F. Jones what to do."

"Just shut up."

The two began walking towards the principal's office.

"How are you even related to Lili?" Alfred asked as they walked towards the office. "You're sister is so cute and adorable, and you're just not."

Mr. Zwingli didn't say anything. He just wished that he could take his gun out on students.

"Seriously, how can you two possibly be related?" the American asked again. "Lili is so nice and adorable looking and you're just not. I bet that your sister is going to be hot when puberty finally hits her."

The school's police officer darkened. "Don't say anything else about my sister."

"Do you think Lili will go out with me when she's hot looking?" the athlete asked. "Hell, why am I'm asking this? Of course Lili would go out with me. She probably already wants to go out with me. I'm just that freaking awesome. Lili probably has a huge crush on me right now."

"Will you just shut up?"

"I bet she writes stuff like 'Mrs. Alfred F. Jones' on all her notebooks. Oh, that's just adorable. Young girls and their crushes are just so cute." Alfred laughed. "Isn't it just adorable that Lili has a huge crush on me?"

"Stop talking about my little sister. Even if my sister were old enough to date, she would never consider dating you. And if she wanted to date you, then I would not allow it."

"Dude, you should totally join the club the janitor and the principal are in. Those two jerks have formed a club called 'Let's just shit on Alfred's life'."

"Just shut up."

* * *

Ms. Héderváry frowned when she heard a knock on her office door. "Ugh, what is it this time?" she mumbled to herself.

She stood up and opened the door to her office. "Hello Mr. Zwingli and Alfred, what brings you to the office?" she asked acknowledging her visitors. "Are you needing to see the principal?"

Mr. Zwingli nodded. "Yes. This delinquent here has punched another student in the face, and rudely refused to stop talking. If I were allowed to shoot him, then I would have made sure that his brains spilled out of his head."

"Hey, Mr. Zwingli is a jerk face like everybody else in this stupid school!"

"Alfred, who did you punch?"

"Eduard von Blockhead."

The secretary sighed. "I'll go tell Ludwig that Alfred is back to learn more about disruptive behavior."

"I'm not disruptive!"

"You guys can wait outside the office. I'll let you know when the principal wants to speak with you."

"Thank you, Ms. Héderváry," the police officer said as Elizabeta closed the door to her office.

The Hungarian secretary sighed. She knew that Ludwig wasn't going to like having Alfred back. She knocked on the door to the principal's office. "Uh… sir?"

"What is it this time, Ms. Héderáry?" the German asked. "And open the door when you want to talk to me."

Elizabeta opened the door to her office. "Remember Alfred F. Jones?"

"The disrespectful student that called me a Nazi?"

"Yeah, that's him. Well he's back. Apparently he punched the school's valedictorian in the face and said some rude things to Mr. Zwingli."

Ludwig frowned. "I guess I'm going to have to suspend him."

"That'll probably be for the best."

"Go bring him into my office."

"Yes, sir." The secretary left to bring the disruptive and disrespectful student into the office.

* * *

**A/N**

**Yeah, Alfred is a total prick in this. It's going to be fun when he realizes how much of a jerk he is. **

**If you notice a grammar mistake, then let me know so that I can fix it. **


	6. Second Office Visit

Ludwig glared at the delinquent sitting across from his desk. "Do you at least have a good reason for punching Eduard von Bock?"

The young American student huffed. "If your ears weren't filled with all that Jew blood, then you would have already heard my reason. If you weren't such a Nazi, then you wouldn't have the blood of dead Jews in your ears. And you would have been able to hear me the first dang time I explained it!"

"Don't call me a Nazi," the German principal spat. "I wasn't even born when any of that happened. I find it very rude and disrespectful of you to claim that I'm a Nazi just because I'm German."

"I'm not claiming anything. I'm stating the truth. All Germans are Nazis."

"No. All Germans are not Nazis. You're just stating your own assumptions based off of untrue stereotypes, because you're angry."

"I'm not angry!" Alfred informed. "I'm nothing that you say I am. If you say that I'm angry, then I'm happier than that seven dwarf that's named Happy!"

"It certainly sounds like you're angry."

The student put his arms across his chest. "Well, you don't know anything 'cause you're stupid and have no life."

The principle sighed. "I'm going to give you another chance to explain to me why you punched the valedictorian."

"I told you why I punched that smartass already. Why should explain it again to your fat face?"

"You did not explain anything to me. All you told me was that you punched Eduard von Bock in the face because you felt the need to tame his ego," Ludwig said. "Eduard does not have an ego, and even if he did that is not a good reason for punching him or anybody in the face."

"Eduard has the biggest ego ever, because he's the stupid valedictorian. And you forgot to mention the part about Eduard being Estonian," the American added. "I feel that if anybody that isn't American shouldn't have an ego that's that big. That's why he needed the Estonian punched out of him."

The German sighed and shook his head. "That is racist and not an acceptable reason for punching anybody."

"How's it racist? Eduard isn't black!"

"And now you're being even more racist," the principal said rolling his eyes. "Anyway, what do you think is a suitable punishment for your second case of disruptive behavior today?"

"What disruptive behavior?" the student asked. "What do you mean by second case of disruptive behavior? I'm not disruptive and neither is my behavior."

"I'm tired of arguing with you. You know very well that you're behavior has been very disruptive today," Ludwig stated. "You were rude to Mr. Braginsky during lunch, and punching another student is never acceptable."

"Wrong! Punching another student can be acceptable if its self-defense."

"Was punching Eduard von Bock self-defense?"

Alfred looked around the room not saying anything. Finally, after a few moments he turned back to the principal. "The Estonian smartass was planning on assaulting me. He would have hit me if I didn't punch him. Also his hit wouldn't have hurt 'cause he would have hit like a little girl."

"What makes you say that?"

"His arms are really weak 'cause he's a computer guy. There probably like as strong as pasta noodles. I bet getting punched by Eduard would be like getting hit in the head with a giant noodle or something."

"No, why do you think that he was going to punch you?"

"Dude, if you were there then you would be totally agreeing with me right now. He was trying to do some mental mumbo-jumbo to hurt me with his smartass mind."

"So, he wouldn't have physically hit you?"

"False. He would physically hit me when he realized that he isn't smart enough to mentally hurt me. He might be smart enough to mentally hurt you and all the other people that pissed me off today, 'cause all you guys are all dumbasses, but he won't have been able to hurt me with his stupid head," the American answered. "The second he realized that he would have tried to punch me with his noodle arm."

Ludwig raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes. That is why I used self-defense to keep that from happening. Von Blockhead might be a smartass, but I'm way more smarter than he'll ever be."

The German shook his head. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous this claim you're making sounds?"

"Its not a claim! It's the truth! Why would I waste my time lying to a dumbass like you? Ugh, maybe you just don't understand me because you're too stupid to understand anything!"

"Alfred, we both know very well that you're lying."

"Dude, I'm not lying. You're just stupid! Maybe you're lying about not being a Nazi, but I'm totally not lying about von Blockhead. The smartass would have punched me in the face!"

"I don't think Eduard would have punched you even if he wanted too," the principal clarified. "He is a good student, and never gets into any trouble. He is very aware of all this school's rules and the consequences for breaking any of them."

The student snorted. "If he was aware of all the stupid rules then he wouldn't have been trying to mentally punch me with his fat brain."

"If you were aware of the rules, Mr. Jones, then you won't be in my office right now."

"Hey! I'm very aware of the stupid rules of this stupid school!"

"Then why are you in my office?"

Alfred huffed. "I'm in your dumb office because everybody in this stupid school is a shithead that likes to smell their own shit!"

"You're just saying that because you're angry."

"I'm not angry! Why do you keep trying to claim that I'm something that I'm not? Is it because you're a Nazi?"

"For the last time, I am not a Nazi. I wasn't even alive when any of that was going on. I find it very rude and disrespectful of you to assume that I'm a Nazi just because I'm German. If anybody is claiming that somebody is something that they're not then it's you, Alfred. I have just about have had it with you and your rude disruptive behavior-"

"I'm not disruptive!"

"Yes, yes, you are. You're just about as disruptive as-" Ludwig cut himself off. "Alfred, are you familiar with the term school suspension?" he asked after a moment of silence.

The American rolled his eyes. "Well duh! I'm not a dumbass like most people in this school. Gilbert got suspended for three days when he got caught sexting Ms. Héderváry. He didn't go to school and had to do all this stupid work that didn't count for anything."

"I'm going to suspend you for two days. You won't have school this Monday or Tuesday-"

"Sweet, four day weekend!"

"Don't think of it as a vacation, Mr. Jones. This is your punishment for punching another student. I will notify your teachers and have them give you work that you will complete during your suspension," the German explained. "This work will be both classwork and busy work that will not give you any credit."

"Way to take crap on a perfectly good four day weekend."

"This suspension will also be added onto your transcript. I hope it doesn't ruin any changes you have with entering a college-"

The student cut the principal off with a snort. "Dude, I'm not going to college. After high school I'm going straight into major league baseball. So, yeah, you just failed at trying to screw up my life there."

"You will also not be allowed to compete or practice in any school related sports."

"Dude! Now that's just being mean. First you take away my game tonight, and now you're saying that I can't go to practice! Are you Nazi's like never satisfied or something?"

Ludwig glared. "Thanks to that rude comment you just made, I'm not going to allow you to practice or play any sports for the rest of the year until you write me an apology for being rude and disrespectful."

"You don't deserve an apology. You deserve to be sent to a camp for stupid people to be less stupid!"

"I also want you to write an apology to Eduard von Block for punching him. In that written apology I want you to promise him that you will never punch him or another student again, and I want you to tell him that you feel deeply sorry for your actions."

"I'm not going to write two stupid apologies. I don't feel sorry. I already have to write a stupid English essay about finding comfort in a friend. I'm not going to waste my life with writing untrue lies. Why does everybody in this stupid school want me to write lies?"

"If you don't write these apologies, then you won't be able to play or practice baseball or any other sport for the rest of the year."

"That's evil!"

"Its actually really reasonable. If you want to play, then you write apologies."

"You're a real jerk with a stupid face. Its like your face won a contest on being stupid looking."

"I'll have Ms. Héderváry contact your parents about your suspension," the principal stated. "For the rest of the day I want you to try your very best not to be sent back to my office. You only have one class left today, and I don't want you sent back here because you were disruptive during that class."

The student stood up from his seat. "I'm never disruptive and you're a stupid Nazi!"

"I'm done talking with you. Get out of my office."

Alfred left the office slamming the door behind him. He didn't slam it hard enough to break the door like he wanted, but he did slam it hard enough to show that his anger.

* * *

**A/N**

**Short chapter is short 'cause it's short. **

**If you notice a grammar mistake, then point it out. I'd like to fix them. Y'all can even point out grammer mistakes from previous chapters. I want to fix those too. **

**Feel free to review! I love any feedback that I get. **


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